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Thoughts that keep me up at night

Cayman Islands

I have a confession to make. I think I haven't fully accepted the fact that I am still somehow troubled. Am I in denial? Maybe I think I'm okay but deep inside I am not. But then how would I know? 

A wise woman once said that I should start writing down everything I'm feeling and what is happening around me; and so here I am. Lately I've been having difficulties sleeping and domesticating my thoughts. What is it really that has been keeping me awake at night? Is it the coffee? Am I stressed subconsciously?

There have been a lot of changes in my life quite recently. At first I was chill, but after a couple of weeks it started to sink in. Starting a new job, parting ways with my friends, postponing an exam I've been preparing for since 2021...  I've been through times worse than this, why am I still anxious? Have I become better at hiding my worries and fears? 

On a brighter side, I signed a contract with a company that I so badly aspired to work for. Who would have thought that I will be where I am now five years ago? A thought that once felt so impossible is now my reality. Am I worthy of this? Do I deserve all the good things happening in my life? It made me grateful of the privilege I had, but at the same time feel for those who don't have it. Another child could have had the same dreams I had when I was young, could have worked as much as I did growing up, but without resources, would have ended up in a totally different path. A sad realisation that this is how the real world works. 😞

Another question that bothers me more than I would like to admit... Am I too career oriented? I have already achieved the life my mother wanted for me (and herself lol). Should I stop being so focused on my job now and start building a family? Are both simultaneously doable without losing my sanity? But I'm not even sure if I want kids! The pressure is overwhelming. Why do women with kids often impose having children onto others? If it is for you then good, but not everyone has the same goals in life. Most unmarried childless millennials I know do not regret an inch that they don't have kids yet, or are married. Like me, most of us are struggling to find our niche. I have so much freedom in all aspects of my life and maybe I am not yet ready to let that go... anytime soon...

These are the things that keep me at night. I am so used to the fast paced lifestyle that if I have a bit of a free time my thoughts just go haywire. I have to be busy to deviate from all these why's and what ifs... 

Maybe this is my cue to visit the beach one of these days... Maybe I need a reset.


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